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Apparently drunkenly walking up to tables at a pie place, pointing at myself and saying "who here ordered a Cutie Pie?" is only funny to me.
Every hayride is haunted if your brother was killed by a tractor :(
My sister just non-ironically tweeted an Uncle Kracker quote, so the Wexler family is in full PR damage control mode right now.
Whatever I black out during every Super Bowl.
My last tweet got 1,385 ignores.
The last time two brothers coached against each other in the super bowl was when Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy did it in 2007.
I once met a girl from Boston who's accent was so strong I thought she was deaf.
"Bro I miss college." -someone who isn't doing well. "Bro I miss high school." -someone who is doing worse.
Just needlessly cut off a Smart Car on the freeway, because I could think of literally zero consequences for doing so.
Christmas isn't until tomorrow, and people are already playing fucking Christmas music.
NO NO NO I JUST STEPPED ON A FROG FUCK FYFUCKSJSJDHFUCKFUCK
Comedians who date other comedians aren't in a relationship, they're in a bit.
"Behind the Candelabra" is a million times better if you pretend that Michael Douglas and Matt Damon are playing themselves.
"One Pepsi please!" -Someone who was molested constantly from ages 4-15.
TRY THIS: Ask someone who their celebrity doppelgänger is. Then immediately laugh and say, "yeah ok" before they can answer.
Comedian, young man. Impeccable manners, despicable mannerisms.