Dubstep is the rhythm Gloria Estefan was trying to warn us about.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.

Day to day I struggle with the divide between Art Garfunkel and Commerce Garfunkel.

Have been stopped in my tracks trying to figure out why they wear hard hats at the Honey Bunches of Oats factory.

Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Some people have the calm before the storm. I have the panic before the nothing.

Going on a friend date. I have no idea what to shave!

Sometimes a comedy show isn't free enough.

I'm so grateful to my parents for naming me an available domain name.

Sometimes when I'm alone I practice my depression commercial stare.

I leave a dark secret at the end of long voicemails. It's a way to get things off my chest with no risk of anyone hearing.

Sometime I like to turn off the television and let it watch me.

I heard someone joke that pussy is vegan. Not the way I make it.

Does anyone know if bus schedules are real?

What's that hormone that regulates the flow of Tom Hanks into Meg Ryan's heart? Norapenephron.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

If you’re undecided about anal bleaching, get anal highlights first and see if you like it.

I knew Beyonce's pee tasted weird lately.