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Had a great dinner at the C*****r Barrel
Dubstep is the rhythm Gloria Estefan was trying to warn us about.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Some people have the calm before the storm. I have the panic before the nothing.
I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.
I'm proud of Kim and Kanye. They didn't just pick a name, they picked a side in the Civil War.
Day to day I struggle with the divide between Art Garfunkel and Commerce Garfunkel.
Going on a friend date. I have no idea what to shave!
Have been stopped in my tracks trying to figure out why they wear hard hats at the Honey Bunches of Oats factory.
Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
Sometimes a comedy show isn't free enough.
I leave a dark secret at the end of long voicemails. It's a way to get things off my chest with no risk of anyone hearing.
Sometime I like to turn off the television and let it watch me.
A$AP Rocky and Immediat€ly Bullwinkle
I'm so grateful to my parents for naming me an available domain name.
Sometimes when I'm alone I practice my depression commercial stare.
Does anyone know if bus schedules are real?
“I’m from the streets.” - Eminem/much of my furniture
I can't stress enough that these tweets are genius. http://claudiacogan.com