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Had a great dinner at the C*****r Barrel
My head is just a periscope for my stomach.
Dubstep is the rhythm Gloria Estefan was trying to warn us about.
I love to do the lord's work (judging)
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Some people have the calm before the storm. I have the panic before the nothing.
Sometimes when I'm alone I practice my depression commercial stare.
Sign at the gas station: "Bathroom is no longer available." I can't believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
I love self-deprecating humor. I just wish I was better at it.
I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples.
Obama! Tell us the truth about Fugazi!
Day to day I struggle with the divide between Art Garfunkel and Commerce Garfunkel.
I'm proud of Kim and Kanye. They didn't just pick a name, they picked a side in the Civil War.
Have been stopped in my tracks trying to figure out why they wear hard hats at the Honey Bunches of Oats factory.
Sometimes a comedy show isn't free enough.
Going on a friend date. I have no idea what to shave!
When I have to watch an ad before an article will load, I just pretend it's being microwaved.
I leave a dark secret at the end of long voicemails. It's a way to get things off my chest with no risk of anyone hearing.
These tweets are all red flags I'm not even kidding http://favstar.fm/users/blaudiablogan