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If you're a 16 year-old girl singing the national anthem at a game, congrats on your dad being rich!
"It's very important to develop your personal brand." - The worst people on Earth
I sat on a warm toilet seat in a public bathroom and now I'm huddled in the shower crying because I'll never feel clean again.
I hate the me on Facebook.
If you're doing the Paleo Diet and you don't die of malnutrition and starvation, then you're not doing it right.
"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.
Hey, Sully, we caught the bombah! Let's flip over a cawp cah!
Ten foah, the sawx ah in the playawffs. Repeat, the sawx ah in the playawffs. Good jawb, you pack a queahs.
Suspect in custody. Hundreds hospitalized with thumb injuries from refreshing phones.
Oprah cancelled on our lunch date...again.
Feels like all my friends are marrying their pets.
Life probably hasn't gone the way you want if your address has a 1/2 in it.
Here's Daniel Day-Lewis reacting to Seth MacFarlane: *pure white light of an enlightened soul blinds a low demon with compassion/knowledge*
I think it's important to make sure you spend a little bit of time everyday thinking about ordering a pizza.
"Just saw this text." - liars