I'm old enough to remember when they literally orgasmed in Herbal Essence shampoo commercials.

I'm just in the woods, not doing anything creepy.

Peeing on ice is like having lazer pee.

I'm old enough to remember when lawn darts seemed like a good idea.

Oh fuck off, sugar tits is a compliment.

Music can fix things even by accident.

Why don't toilets have built in cell chargers by now? How the fuck do we call ourselves evolved?

Who woulda thought orange mango watermelon would taste so good? Stoners thats who. Those are some resourceful people. Fuck your war on drugs

Never let your fear decide your fate, go ahead, eat that last taco.

Went a whole two days without my phone. If anyone needs tips on how to cope.. I'm not the right person to ask

Somebody musta spiked this heroin cause I don't feel right

Murdering people just so you have something to tweet about is the new black.

Hey technology, still can't download a blow job. Pick it the fuck up, the Jetson's probably had a solution for this..

You're telling me people will unfollow you, just for being offensive? Do they know this is the internet?

You're prettier than the girls they use in ads for porn sites.

Real talk: When is something finally going to be cooler than sliced bread?

I love when sentences start "I don't mean this as a threat... But"

Why can't all of the worlds problems be solved through martial arts like they are on tv.

The people who hide their craziness, they're the ones you gotta worry about.

Guys that wear cowboy stuff have wieners that don't work.