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Who has two buzzed, only one and a half bliccy, and is already beer? This thumbs!
Listen, when I say a movie was "cute" I do not mean it was GOOD. A girl saying a movie was cute is just code for "My ovaries liked it."
A study says that women who wear black too often are perceived as cold and unapproachable. Studies are for assholes. And get away from me.
The more sperm jokes you guys make, the harder I'm finding them to swallow.
Really, Facebook? You suggest I reconnect with *him*? What a terrible idea. Apparently Facebook thinks like me after too much vodka.
Now that they know how to scroll, I'm teaching my boobs to write. I want to be mammbidextrous.
I typed "No harm, no fowl", realized the mistake then thought "No barn, no fowl!" and laughed way too hard and now I'm sad for myself.
I was appalled to find out one of my favorite bands was on The Hills. Then I realized I was eating chicken pot pie and watching The Hills.
My boobs haven't been talked about this much since the first day of 8th grade.
Wearing a skirt today for the first time in a while. What I've learned so far: I sit in my car like a truck driver and WOW HI THE AC IS ON.
How do you think "I'm thankful I'm not pregnant!" will go over at the dinner table tomorrow?
I just found a piece of wilted spinach in my bra. OH MY GOD. THEY CAN STEAM SPINACH, TOO. These things needs a resume.
My entire block is hung over. Who wants to run door to door with me and a megaphone singing church hymns? I like to use good for evil.
Mmm, veggie omelette for breakfast! Except no eggs. And the veggies are on bread. And the bread is shaped like a slice of pizza.
I leaned over my keyboard and my boobs scrolled down the page for me. At least they're not totally going to waste.
I wonder what my Girl Scout badge for "Douche Magnet" will look like!
Local friends have been tweeting about vegan corndogs. I don't even like regular corndogs, I doubt I'd like ones made out of vegans.
At this point, I'm pretty sure you could lick my skin and it would constitute as a body shot.
If it's true that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm... BRB mowing the lawn.
Don't complain about having a sore throat when you're wearing pigtails. Just...don't.