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Listen, when I say a movie was "cute" I do not mean it was GOOD. A girl saying a movie was cute is just code for "My ovaries liked it."
A study says that women who wear black too often are perceived as cold and unapproachable. Studies are for assholes. And get away from me.
Really, Facebook? You suggest I reconnect with *him*? What a terrible idea. Apparently Facebook thinks like me after too much vodka.
Now that they know how to scroll, I'm teaching my boobs to write. I want to be mammbidextrous.
I typed "No harm, no fowl", realized the mistake then thought "No barn, no fowl!" and laughed way too hard and now I'm sad for myself.
I was appalled to find out one of my favorite bands was on The Hills. Then I realized I was eating chicken pot pie and watching The Hills.
Wearing a skirt today for the first time in a while. What I've learned so far: I sit in my car like a truck driver and WOW HI THE AC IS ON.
How do you think "I'm thankful I'm not pregnant!" will go over at the dinner table tomorrow?
I just found a piece of wilted spinach in my bra. OH MY GOD. THEY CAN STEAM SPINACH, TOO. These things needs a resume.
My entire block is hung over. Who wants to run door to door with me and a megaphone singing church hymns? I like to use good for evil.
Mmm, veggie omelette for breakfast! Except no eggs. And the veggies are on bread. And the bread is shaped like a slice of pizza.
I leaned over my keyboard and my boobs scrolled down the page for me. At least they're not totally going to waste.
Local friends have been tweeting about vegan corndogs. I don't even like regular corndogs, I doubt I'd like ones made out of vegans.
At this point, I'm pretty sure you could lick my skin and it would constitute as a body shot.
Don't complain about having a sore throat when you're wearing pigtails. Just...don't.
You're a lot funnier than you think I am.
