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Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. So stalkers, remember to wear high-vis jackets & your 'I'm a scary weirdo' hat when out & about.
URGENT APPEAL: tens of T4 presenters were made redundant today. Please send deck shoes, ironic jumpers & hair products to POBOX TWATS.
If the Olympic ceremony doesn't start with Boris Johnson being chased round the Total Wipeout course by taxi drivers I quit this country.
Pretend you're in a perfume advert by saying words that bear no relevance to each other while riding a diamanté stallion up your own arse
Every time you post a tweet with a typo in it, a pedant goes to he'll
Pretend you're Sean Paul by shouting 'baby girl' at the end of other peoples sentences.
Dressing my little girl as a stegosaurus for her 1st day at Sunday school, I've instructed her to cry 'WHAT ABOUT ME' during bible reading
TV Show Idea: Holmes under the Hammer. Sherlock Holmes is demoted to bumbling sidekick as MC Hammer solves mysteries
Eyelashes on car headlights???
What next, a giant tampon in the exhaust pipe once a month?
Those 'sent from my iPad' signatures are a bit wanky aren't they?
Sent from the saddle of a golden unicorn as we gallop across the moon
I'm playing The Voice drinking game, everytime someone says 'I don't envy your decision' I drink a shot of bleach until my vision goes.
Flappy-fringed Glaswegian graphic designer, 140-part tales of fatuity & fervor most of which usually involve unicorns.