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One perk of attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings by correspondence is I don't have to share my beer with those pathetic drunk assholes.
There should be a device in every home that people are required to stand in front of before being allowed to go out in public. Like a mirror
It's Cinco de Mayo, the day the Chupacabra leaves exsanguinated goats and bottles of Corona for all the good Mexican boys and girls.
I follow so many strangers on Twitter. It feels a little bit like stalking...except I can stay on the couch and don't need to wear pants.
I'm not a good influence on myself.
One of the most overlooked aspects of "The Freedom of Speech" is knowing when to keep your fucking mouth shut.
I think it's time to get my cholesterol checked. I just cut my thumb and I think I'm bleeding bacon grease.
FACT: Some people will NEVER like you and most people are NOT your friend.
The only thing in life that a person can control is their own behavior.
OH: My family tree is a wreath.
Judging by the way people are driving, this isn't rain...it's liquid stupid falling from the sky.
la·zy (lā'zē), adj.
1. Resistant to work or exertion; disposed to idleness.
2. Unwilling to move a foot and a half to plug in my laptop.
In today's world standards are so low that to be considered smart you just have to avoid doing something stupid.
Does anyone have Bullshit's number? I need to call it...
Very few things are as annoying as an itchy ass.
Oh, by the way, I'm very annoyed today.
So, it's amazing how much money I save by not paying bills. It's like I'm not even in debt! I'm rich!
It's so cold in my apartment that my bedroom windows fog up when I masturbate.
Ok, I'm lying...those are actually my kitchen windows.
The CEO asked if I was nervous about getting married. I said, "why should I be nervous? She's the one making a huge mistake." < 2 weeks left
If you can't say you hate something in 140 characters or less, then you don't really hate it enough.
Sometimes I read through my blog's "spam comments." Today's winner: "I have squirrels in my pants. It happens more than you may imagine."