Who keeps sending me this text message that reads "Only 10% battery life remai

This is odd. I just got sued by Lindsay Lohan for throwing up.

I've learned two important lessons today:

1) Never throw a $100 boomerang
2) Never buy a $100 boomerang

I like my coffee like I like my women: In D Cup.

Work is a great way to meet people on Twitter.

This is my vagina, there are none like it, and if you ever want to see it again, quit fucking around on Twitter and mow the lawn. --wife.

I voted for the guy with the most yard signs. Good luck, Remax!

American Idol needs more killer whales.

Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. If you stop swinging that bat, I’ll tell you why I was licking your bathroom window.

Sir, you were right to flip me the bird. I disturbed you with my car's horn whilst you innocently texted and drifted into my lane at 80mph.

Medical Fact: If you pinch your nose right when you sneeze, your anus will become an outie.

I distract wife with “You’re beautiful today” then ask to buy stuff.

Wife distracts me with boobs. Can’t remember what happens after that.

A woman's biggest fear:
Gynecologist jazz hands.

Once you make up your own words, everything else just palins in comparison.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: hot at first, then, over time, cold and bitter.

According to my dog, I give the best massages.

Or sausages.


Sometimes his accent is difficult to follow.

My wife says I’m not as funny in real life as I am in bed.

The doctor insisted that a thorough prostate exam was in order but I couldn’t help but wonder if this was normal orthodontic procedure.

Are we still burning Korn albums tomorrow?

I had another dream where I'm at work naked. Phew! Could you imagine?

Me?



Working?