Drugs are for losers. And for sticking up your butt at raves.

The thing is, you're already in big trouble for shooting the sheriff. You're not really saving yourself here.

Your moms secret ingredient is taco seasoning, stupid.

Wow. If you don't want your baby borrowed then put a sign on it . What a bitch!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian? Take her to the thrift store and see if she heads for the vest section.

Science says pot won't hurt your lungs but there was something else I was going to say

Hey guys, if you don't know what getting your period feels like, its like a billion angels saving you 300 bucks.

I'm having a shitty season, like when Rosanne won the lottery.

LESBIAN SECRET: The number of hot li'l butches that turn out to be tween boys when they get closer is outstanding.

Don't know about you guys, but I still licky boom boom down.

fuck you guys, I'll tweet and drive if I wa4t53q

"I'd rather be in a dark cold room watching reruns of That's So Raven"-- was hard to fit on a bumpersticker so I chose fishing instead.

A baby seal walks into a club....

My parents get soooo mad when I tweet about them being dead. They're like NOT FUNNY and I'm like STOP HAUNTING ME

I may be thirty, but I have the tits of a MUCH shorter woman.

My mom drank just enough during her pregnancy to make my eyes far apart like a sexy cat.

I can smell your scented maxipad, ladies.

Jealous of dead surfers who get that "we'll miss you brah" bro circle in the water. So jealous.

I hate Halloween because hot cowboys are just joking.

Divorcee is such an exotic word. It's like a Hawaiian Island with no drunk fat guys who have peanut allergies allowed