"Fat people jokes are gross, big boobs jokes are classy" - twitter logic

When I get an erection I wish it made the sound effect of Mario when he eats a mushroom. Also the warp pipe noise when I’m fucking.

A firefighter fighting fire with fire fights fire forever.

That awkward moment when ur iTunes suddenly decides to play "teri kehke lunga " in the midst of a rock playlist ,with ppl in the room

If you're a young African American starting a rap career, i just want to make sure you're aware the name BLACK EFRON is totally available.

The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.

Happy birthday to Justin Bieber's mother, whom I impregnated.

Give right indicator and turn left. #AprilFoolIdeas

Death metal is noisy only if you are a sensitive pussy.

Yes, I own a Lego R2-D2. No, I don't know what sex is.

Awesome pics & videos of tandem Qantas & Emirates A380 flight over Sydney Harbor  http://skift.com/2013/03/30/stunning-pics-of-tandem-qantas-emirates-a380-flights-over-sydney-harbor/ …

Oxford and Cambridge. The brainiest universities in the country, yet neither of them think to put a MOTOR on their fucking boat. Duh.

You have seen Food Porn. Now presenting, #SuttaPorn. - with Daniel Craig pic.twitter.com/NTJRS0hBmK

If I was on The Voice I'd perform the most heartfelt rendition of Bob The Builder anybody has ever heard.

Found inside a bookcase in Ikea. Clever. :) (cc. @jannism) pic.twitter.com/NC9b4EnnA9

Orthodox Indian logic:
Spend one quarter of your life getting a degree. Find a rich guy. Get married. Frame the degree, let it collect dust.

GOOD FUCKING NIGHT. :*

The Axis of Awesome - Rage of Thrones - I read the fucking books -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1CLCOvZOh1o# …!

do some pushups./

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.