You call it "stalking", I call it "research".

...on a scale of one to "Adobe installer update", how needy are you?

My house is never as clean as when I have company.

Also, my children are never as confused as when the house is cleaned for company.

Sooo... my boyfriend just called me.

and by "boyfriend" I mean guy on twitter who I have a crush on, and by "called" I mean replied. What?

To Young Girls Everywhere:

Either the short skirt OR the low cut top
Either the dark lips OR dark eyes

Try it. You'll thank me.

All a girl really wants to hear are those 3 little words.....


"I've got this."

Kid: "You're so manipulative, it's almost mean".

I prefer Jedi Master, but whatever.

I want an epic romance… because anything else seems like a waste of time.

I'm in love with so many of you!

....it's like I have a REAL love life except I don't have to shower or brush my teeth!

Handsome Men: There are plenty of mediocre looking men willing to put forth the effort which is way sexier then a handsome man who doesn't.

My ex used to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" to me....

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

My weaknesses?

Chocolate and men.

....oh, and wine.

...and shoes.... and.... - can I start over?

...hypothetically..... What happens when the wine DOESN'T make everything better?

Switch to Vodka? Got it.

Can we all have a minute of silence for Grammar?

What did I ever do before Twitter...

Right. Was a productive member of society.

I have some pretty amazing men in my life (my son), so I refuse to bash them. Please remember, it's the individual, not the gender.

Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!

The Perfect Man will possess the strength to carry you to bed in times of passion or exhaustion; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Someone IRL MAY have discovered my twitter name (because I MAY have caved & told).

Quick everyone, pretend this is book club!!!

Imagine being known as the "underpants bomber".... that handle isn't going to serve him well in prison.