Dear people on Favstar, Fuck you and your trophies. -me (ps. can I get a star?)

I'm getting too comfortable w/Twitter. At dinner w/a girl last night I've known a week & I almost asked her if she liked her asshole licked.

I miss being a kid. Tons of friends, bikerides, sports, summer fun, no responsibilities, jerking off to the JCPenny catalog in the bathroom.

I've identified there are three types of people on Twitter:

1. Unhappily married
2. Stay at home Mom/Dad
3. Addicted to drugs/alcohol

The main reason I'm on twitter is for the vagina, and because I hate facebook, also because it's my job. Oh fuck it I'M ON HOUSE ARREST.

Blackberry is the Nickelback of cell phones.

When you crack open a new bottle of laundry detergent & realize how good it smells it's pretty common to get undressed & masturbate, right?

Dear followers who don't have an avatar, upload an avatar.

I'm not twitter obsessed but when someone unfollows me I get angry & punch holes in my wall then undo all the RT's & favs I posted for them.

Tweeting from Favstar is like buying the cocaine straight from Columbia.

You know your neighborhood is awesome when you hear the po po sirens and a guy is running thru ur lawn lookin over his shoulder.

Pro-Tip: Never tell people in the real world you're on Twitter.

Home from work, finally. I see you've All been tweeting All day today. I want your job.

Twitter increases my friendliness at work by about 100%. Possibly related: productivity and sales have been down 57% since I got on Favstar.

"Dont you have goals in life?" -my NA sponsor "Sure I do I want to be on the Favstar leader board." -me "Huh?" -my sponsor

The best part of being divorced is the part where I'm single as fuck.

I hate stalkers, but I love my Mother. HI MOM!

Taking a girl out tonight on a coffee date which I'm excited about. Out as in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, the coffee is complimentary.

You know your a twitter addict when your real life convos are 140 characters or less. Or if you don't associate w/ the real world at all.

Feeling a bit like a pirate today plus I'm out of bottled water so I'll be filtering & somewhat purifying my urine for an evening beverage.