I'm a woman, and I shouldn't have to degrade myself trying to be witty and intellectual. If you don't like me for my boobs, then SCREW YOU!

Every time I try to sing along with the radio, it surprises me how off-key everyone on the radio is.

You Bastards that don't use your turn signals: I'm coming for you. I'll be the object in your rearview mirror that's closer than it appears.

Sometimes I wonder which of my tweets they'll use as evidence at the incompetency hearing.

Hey, Facebook, remember when your dad left to buy cigarettes and never came back? He's here.
-Twitter

Whoever said vodka is odorless was full of bullshit. It has the scent of sunshine and all of my cares floating away on a cloud.

Should have bought a treadmill. Can't hang clothes on an unused gym membership.

Before I go to the dentist, I like to make sure that I'm well-groomed down there. Just in case.

I'm trying to narrow the gap between "Following" and "Followers." You know, cause I don't want the internet to think I'm desperate.

Don't judge for handing out lots of stars. If I find it funny or wacky or it makes me smile, I star that shit! They're fucking free!

Thinking about trying to make a friend. Have to wait until I have the money for parts.

It's a little game I like to call "self-deprecation," where the winners are actually losers. Feel free to pull up a chair.

Sometimes drunk me writes a check that sober me can't cash. Literally and figuratively.

I exaggerate 976% of the time.

I swear, my underarms get a 5 o'clock shadow. The way I just made that classy was by calling them 'underarms' instead of 'armpits'.

I would only wear Skechers Shape-ups if I had a kickass body to distract from the stupid Skechers Shape-ups I was wearing.

Catch-22.

My phone auto corrected overachiever to underachiever. It knows me so well.

Having no pockets in my dress pants is horribly inconvenient. I can only fit so many things down my panties before it becomes unsightly.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry?" Single means never having to share your booze.

On my resumé, I list procrastination as one of my strengths. I may be a lazy ass, but I've got integrity, dammit!