So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

Girls save batteries.

Use a penis.

When I said FUCK ME, I meant physically not emotionally.

Emo kids, why so sad.





Wait until you hit 40.

Went to the dollar store and bought a whole bunch of sticky stars, putting on my monitor right now. So who needs favstar.

Kiss me every day with all your heart, and you will have me forever.

Proving my wife wrong for 589 days.

Related: No sex for 588 days.

Flash me your wits.

Thank you twitter for showing me that there are other people suffering the same delusions like me, so where do I sign up for the drugs.

GPS will never find funky town.

Pet rocks are not very interactive, but they are 100% effective when you throw them at your annoying co-workers.

Trust me love is not all you need.

There are some that wear their hearts on their sleeve, those are the ones you hold tight and love them forever.

It's strange that a woman will forget where they parked the car, but will remember a detail from 20 years ago for an argument.

Fuck the sandwich, someone give me a hug.

My wife keeps hitting the snooze button on my cock.

While my doctor was giving me a prostate exam, he stopped and said "tada look no hands"
Stupid doctor trying to be a magician.

Tonight I lied, someone asked if I have a twitter account. I replied what's twitter.

If you don't mean it, then don't say it.

How does the hamburger helper guy masturbate?