"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

Nice try, ugly girl in the self defense class.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

I wonder if my grandma will ever stop calling him "The Colored President."

Guys, if my grandma asks, I'm like totally the CEO of this thing, ok?

I'm watching Snow White & Kristen Stewart is amazing. The depth of her acting ability is truly remar... oh, wait. Nope that's a tree. My bad

I'd rather have open heart surgery by Dr. Michael J. Fox than read your horoscope tweet.

I quit smoking & carbs in the same week. I want 2 kill everybody in this hospital with my bare hands & I want a cigarette made out of donuts

I'm starting a show on MTV called "I Didn't Know I Was Ugly." Basically I just walk around the mall and surprise people with the big reveal.

"What ya doing? Paying bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." -my cat

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they'd test me for steroids.

I know you're not supposed to judge people, but it's fun and I'm unbelievably good at it.

I'd love to stay and chat, but that would be a lie.

Don't hate me just cause my '98 Camry is paid for.

I poop with my legs crossed cause I'm a fucking lady.

I just listed Twitter as an emergency contact for work.

NyQuil: The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, need a little buzz during your nieces band concert so you can deal medicine.

SUBTWEET: banana hammock



I have no idea what a subtweet is.

Let's be honest. Girl scouts are just little Jehovah's Witnesses.