"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" - girls who are mad

Nice try, ugly girl in the self defense class.

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

I wonder if my grandma will ever stop calling him "The Colored President."

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

Guys, if my grandma asks, I'm like totally the CEO of this thing, ok?

I quit smoking & carbs in the same week. I want 2 kill everybody in this hospital with my bare hands & I want a cigarette made out of donuts

I'd rather have open heart surgery by Dr. Michael J. Fox than read your horoscope tweet.

I'm starting a show on MTV called "I Didn't Know I Was Ugly." Basically I just walk around the mall and surprise people with the big reveal.

I'm watching Snow White & Kristen Stewart is amazing. The depth of her acting ability is truly remar... oh, wait. Nope that's a tree. My bad

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they'd test me for steroids.

"What ya doing? Paying bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." -my cat

I'd love to stay and chat, but that would be a lie.

Don't hate me just cause my '98 Camry is paid for.

I poop with my legs crossed cause I'm a fucking lady.

I know you're not supposed to judge people, but it's fun and I'm unbelievably good at it.

I just listed Twitter as an emergency contact for work.

SUBTWEET: banana hammock



I have no idea what a subtweet is.

NyQuil: The nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, need a little buzz during your nieces band concert so you can deal medicine.

Let's be honest. Girl scouts are just little Jehovah's Witnesses.