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Thinking of replacing my car horn with the sounds of an angry black woman snapping her fingers
If I get married I want a trophy wife. Not a real wife. One thats actually made of gold & always in a bowling pose.That would b pretty sweet
Fun fact about me: I can read braille.
Not the actual language. Just the word 'braille'.
My favorite Jodie Foschter movie isch the one where sche talksch like thisch
I drop acid all the time!
But then I pick it up again because thats too dangerous to just be leaving on the ground
Mergers & acquisitions?I thoght u said murders &executions!Boy is my face red underall this blood! Im fired rite?I can c by ur face Im fired
"Honey! I'm home!" - me everyday after work to my Becker™ DVD collection
Ugh. I'm so hungry I could eat a Sarah Jessica Parker
Wait. So ham DOESN'T go into a hamper??
"Hey man Im gonna need u to look in the camera...No the camera...No the one over here...Dude...come on"- directors working w Forest Whitaker
Hey I like to joke about things as much as the next guy but can we please cool it with the Nazi jokes?They take me out of mein kampfort zone
Nurse: Dr., the infection has spread!
Doc: Pour some more of that fizzy drink I made on the wound.
-How Dr Pepper lost his medical license
I start each day by looking in the mirror and asking myself, "Do you have to poo poo or pee pee?"
I nod sheepishly if the answer is yes.
"Stop following me! I have to get to church." - Jason Bourne in The Bourne Again
Hey guys, sorry I'm late for the meet...*drops briefcase, Nicolas Cage DVDs and jelly beans spill out* ...ing...I was busy...with stuff
When I walk through a crowd of people I always say "esqueeze me" instead of "excuse me" bc I'm a huge douche.
I use Christina Ricci's forehead as a unit of measurement. For example, my rat tail is 1.5 'Ricci foreheads' long
"I told you to wait in the car!" - me all the time to my future wife
Creepy Magician: Hey kids! Want to see me pull a rabbit out my hat?!
*pulls rotting rabbit corpse out of hat*
Magician: Ta da!
Mike Schmidt bad mouthed me once http://t.co/0eRsnEqMU8
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