My uncle nicknamed me "tear jerker" because I always cried when he made me jack him off.

Suppositories should be shaped like a penis and whisper "shhh, just relax"

Hair conditioner makes a great lubricant.

Related: My penis has no split ends and a healthy shine.

I can't make you love me, if you don't drink this.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...
~retarded spiders

morning sex, as soon as I wake up, is just 15 minutes of me trying not to pee or breath on you.

I always masturbate with my eyes closed.

Holy shit I just ran off the road.

Dear T.V. remote,
I would just like to change the channel, not calculate the sum of a pythagorean theorem.

If someone starts a sentence with "listen", I grab them by the head, cram my mouth to their ear and say "no you listen" in a breathy whisper

Before my girlfriend finished my blowjob, she stopped long enough to say she loves me.

What's her fucking problem?

You're damn right I'll use my credit card for a $0.53 candy bar.

I'm stoned as a kite.

I'm 99% sure that Twitter is just an elaborate "To Catch a Predator"

We're all facing 5 to 10

I thought "Whale Wars" was a "Biggest Loser" spin off.

Don't worry about logistics, but, I just stubbed a toe on my girlfriends uterus.

I have a pizza in the freezer, but I'm still ordering delivery.
So yeah, fuck you, effort.

It is unfair that girls' genitals can make fart sounds.

When old people say "my knees ache, It must be going to rain", I like to drop kick them in the hip and scream "THUNDERSTORM BITCH!" then run

Of all the "other fish in the sea", why did I have to end up with the "cheating whore fish"?

Girlfriend asked if I had a Tic Tac in my pocket.

"No, I'm just happy to see you" :(