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Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out
My life is a Bob Ross painting, one happy accident after another
They don't care who they let in here, do they?
I'm probably already in trouble, but I can't let that stop me
I'm writing a book, I have the page numbers done
As I get drunker, I wish someone would take advantage of me
I think there's nothing a gyro can't make better
if a synchronized swimmer drowns, shouldn't the others drown as well?
You learn things everyday. In the drive-through at McDonalds, I learned that McGriddle in Spanish is McGriddle
Say hello to my little friend is not what you say when you show her your cock
I tried to talk to her and she just jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran me over
Now accepting applications for a stalker
was unfollowed by team follow back, do I get some kind of award?
I saw a hooker on a bicycle, she pedals it all over town
I smell sex and candy here - me masturbating while eating Skittles
Sext: who is this?
I like my Occupy My Couch movement - not only am I sticking it to the man, I am able to stream porn via AppleTV
There's .08 blood in my tequila
I am a lover of animals. Not as bad as you've heard but not as good as you'd like. I'm really ok. I live in a FOX-Free Zone. Mac Guy.
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