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4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: ... Go tell your father I said to come here.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
My dog's favorite game is to look up at the door every five seconds while I'm high and waiting for pizza. I fall for it. every. time.
I think Cee Lo Green might be one of the original California Raisins.
No more tweets for you until you finish starring the tweets that I already gave you.
Lost a follower my friends. One too many fucks, I suppose. One too many fucks.
I don't want to alarm anyone but I suspect this country may be suffering from a whiny little bitch epidemic.
Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.
If people would only talk to me in 140 characters or less at 20 min intervals in my real life, I wouldn't have to think about prison as much
Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?
I bet I look just like Forrest Gump every time I wave.
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP. SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP!" - My inner dialogue during 97% of all situations involving small talk.
If your kid is playing Black Ops 2 right now, I might have just told him to go fuck his mother. Sorry about that.
To the lady who said gross as she walked by because I let a homeless guy give me a hug for buying him lunch, fuck your heartless ass, bitch.
If I'm ever held hostage I'm going to have the cops get my 4 yo old. She is the best fucking negotiator I know.
I want to buy a t-shirt that says "I'm hilarious on Twitter" but that would be like Clark Kent wearing a cape.
Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.
It's like inventors aren't even trying to replicate any of the cool technology from The Jetson's.
Thank Science it's Friday.
If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.
Not always around but never gone forever. I like everything you hate so we probably can't be friends. Superheroes are my thang.