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I just walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.
1st day as a doctor. Pretty busy. 1st patient had blood inside him. Made him eat like a hundred band aids. Now we play the waiting game...
I don't have a police record but I think I have a Sting cassette tape somewhere.
"Oh, you're broke?! Thats gunna' cost ya"- Overdraft fees.
Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: "Nope, still dead inside"
It'd suck if the only message in a bottle you found after years of being stranded on a deserted island read, "Nice beard, fag."
"I'm not upset. Why would I be upset?" - Women who are upset
"There must have been some magic in that old silk hat we found " is like a pretty chill way to react to a fucking snowman coming to life.
So the iPhone 5 has 64 GB. That means It can hold up to 14k songs, 80k photos, & 80 hrs of video.
Or... fuckin one voicemail, FROM MY MOM.
Ladies, If you've ever heard the sound of a dial-up modem, then you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.
For the record I think all marriage is gay.
AutoCorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.
A GOOD rule of thumb guys, is to never ask a woman if she's pregnant. Like EVER!
Not even if she's crowning, do you ask if she's pregnant.
Maybe the other reindeer's laughed & called him names 'cause he was difficult to work with. Maybe he liked blow. Point is we don't know.
Did you know drinking just one coconut water gives you just enough energy to go fuck yourself?
Excessive drinking doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean.
Against tables, chairs, ugly people...& toilet bowls, all night/this morning.
In a recent survey I asked 100 men which shampoo they preferred, and the overwhelming response was "How the fuck did you get in my shower?"
"What do we want?!"
"When do we want it?!"
"...I don't know, like tomorrow probably..."
It's cute how moms find ANY excuse to call, like "there's a smell coming from your old room" & "cops were asking about you again" lol, moms.
For Kim Kardashian every Friday is Black Friday.
There will absolutely be an open bar at my funeral.