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Don't you hate it when your girlfriend is like, "I'm not your girlfriend, sir, I'm your flight attendant. Please calm down."
I just ran over my dog with a shopping cart. APRIL FOOL'S! I don't know who's dog it is!
I hate puns about toilet paper. They're tearable.
I keep forgetting the Titans.
I'll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to release Dunkaroos back into the market.
If you're turning on your TV to see the 200 meter butterfly. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! IT'S JUST SWIMMING! #yourewelcome
Do the black framed non-prescription glasses come with the flannel shirt or do you have to buy them separately?
the worst part about being white is not being able to say "preach it, sister" when a woman says something awesome.
If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.
Q: Will Misty's late-spring coach help her prepare for the next Olympics? A: Well, May-Treanor's May trainer may train her.
Dear Journey tribute bands, please stop believing.
I would like to write a Spiderman movie where Peter Parker is gay and the villain is arachnohomophobia.
We did it, everyone! Another day closer to death! Woooooo!!!
Would've loved to have seen some air guitar accompany that lip syncing.
I think "Childbirth" could just be called "birth." We get it.
My girl is on her period, my boy is in a comma, and my dog has semi-colon cancer. #punctuationjoke
making love is all about eye contact. be sure to rub your eyeballs against your lovers eyeballs. he or she or it will love this.
Want to create a tear in the fabric of spacetime? Have James Lipton interview Ice-T while they both drink Lipton Ice Teas.
We're having a traditional thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
I make this easy look shit. I wrote a poetry book that you can buy: http://t.co/u516Gwf13s And I have a D you can suuuuuuuuuuuuuck.