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I HOPE ALL THE SNOW MELTS IMMEDIATELY SO THAT EVERYONE HAS SCHOOL TOMORROW AND I HOPE YOU ALL GET POP QUIZZES BECAUSE LEARNING IS GREAT.
"Booty had me like..." ...no! Please continue, 13 year-old white kid on the internet! What did the booty have you like?
HEY NEW POPE, STOP BEING COOL. YOU'RE MAKING IT REALLY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO BE A CONDESCENDING DICK TO MY CATHOLIC FRIENDS.
I wish ya'll knew how perfect ya'll are and that ya'll should never change and ya'll should drink virgin blood and join the ya'lluminati.
The best part about twitter is that it is completely satisfying on a deep emotional level and in no way makes me feel empty inside.
I hate puns about toilet paper. They're tearable.
I'm gonna be a father! Not sure when exactly but my adult son just stepped out of a time machine and spat in my face!
Life isn't about having the biggest house or the fanciest car - it's about having the biggest, fanciest hat!
Today's going to be a great day! The sun is shining, the rivers are red with the blood of our enemies, and I just ate a muffin!
I had two girls in my bed last night. Wait, did I say two? I meant to say THREE. And did I say girls? I meant to say extra pillows.
RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman. Really fucking sucks. One of the best ever.
Don't you hate it when your girlfriend is like, "I'm not your girlfriend, sir, I'm your flight attendant. Please calm down."
I make this easy look shit. I wrote a poetry book that you can buy: http://t.co/u516Gwf13s And I have a D you can suuuuuuuuuuuuuck.