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My dog just rolled her eyes and pushed a Xanax toward me with her paw.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My dog accidentally ate a pack of party balloons and a wig and then crapped out Nicki Menaj.
Training for a half marathon is 2% actual training time and eleventy-billion% telling everyone you're training for a half marathon.
I just blew up a bowl of clam chowder in the microwave and now it smells like I cooked a goddam hooker in my kitchen.
I just unlocked the "My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare" badge on Foursquare!
Just Googled the correct spelling for "chloroform" securing my place on another red-flagged federal watch list.
Phrases to send you into a panic:
1) We need to talk.
2) We found something in your pap smear.
3) You have just been tagged in a photo.
If you put a pair of acid-washed jeans to your ear you can hear Ace of Base.
Digital Jesus died for our Sims.
If Hulk Hogan's sex tape doesn't consist of him ripping a tiny Hulkamania tank top off his penis, I want nothing to do with it.
You down with PCP?
YEAH, YOU KNOW ME!
::leaps out of three-story window singing theme song to Ducktales::
Calm down, chubby guy in my office. It's a fun size Snickers, not the final piece of the fucking Triforce.
1) A shake for breakfast.
2) A shake for lunch.
3) A whole depression cheesecake followed by disdain for the human race for dinner.
It would be so refreshing to hear a radio morning DJ just say, "You know what? Fuck this morning and fuck all of you."
In a fit of road rage, I yelled, "I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCK!" at someone who cut me off. I don't even know what that means.
Siri, how many vibrate settings do you have because I need a hero right now.
Was gonna leave for church this morning when I realized I left my keys in the house and that I'm an atheist.
OH DEAR GOD THERE'S A WOMAN AT THE POOL WEARING HER LABIA ON THE OUTSIDE OF HER BATHING SUIT PLEASE TUCK IT OR FOLD IT BACK IN OH GOD WHY.
Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.