If you don't run upstairs on all fours when no one is looking, then I don't know what we'd even say to each other.

You know when you just stare at your work but can't figure out what to do next? Anyway, I'm a terrible firefighter, sorry about your house.

"You know how I know I'm crazy?"
"How?"
"I'm speaking both sides of this conversation!"
"Shit! That means I'm crazy too!"

Let me just go on the record that as a Steve, if I were gay, I'd exclusively date Adams, just to cheese off the fundies.

It must have been frustrating for Mubarak's first girlfriend when she tried to dump him.

I have yet to discover a way to look cool while singing along to a song as it fades out at the end.

If I put half as much effort into real life as I do into coming up with tweets, I'd probably at least have pants on right now.

Is it just me, or is Donald Trump pretty much just a less charming Biff from Back to the Future?

"I'll never rename that children's hospital" would be a strange thing to scream out as you climax during sex.

"It's a Pixar movie about an old man with a balloon house, but that's not important right now." - a reason why everyone hates me

Tebow is the worst white bronco since OJ's SUV.

The Internet: "Hey! Let's stay up really late for no reason whatsoever!"
My Brain: "OK!"

(idiots)

Hey, how come the tweets where I make fun of my self are your favorites? That's kinda messed up.

Sometimes I like to Google "Bing", just to make Google feel a little insecure in our relationship.

Had to restart my computer to install an update. Next, I'll ask the town crier for news, then check if the blacksmith is done with my horse.

As I changed the battery on my smoke detector it said to test it weekly, and we both laughed and laughed

I've been working on sobbing controllably.

You guys, my stupid Sim keeps playing video games instead of doing anything meaningful with his life!

I just bent over to pick something up right in front of my wife, and she neither slapped nor pinched my butt. I just don't understand women.

One day, I should just get drunk, throw caution to the wind, and install all these updates my computer keeps bugging me about.