True friends don't base their friendship on how much money you have, or what kind of house you live in, or what kind of car you drive

I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties!

Why yes, I'd LOVE a Vicodin tic tac

you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl

Kelly Clarkson is my type of woman ... we could definitely hit up Taco Bell together ;-) THICK BITCHES UNITE!

I'd rather be chunky and cute than have a hot body and a butterface. No amount of working out is gonna change a busted mug.

This metro station smells like a fucking diaper genie

Practicing not using my inside voice and mental eye rolling to prep for today's meetings

Now that I live alone I may need to invest in one of those "Drunk Alert" devices, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up"

The best things in life aren't things.

OMG Karen, you just can't ask people why they're white.

Guns don't kill, people do!

It's just a normal Christmas Eve ... we need a beer run before 3pm

FYI - There IS sex in the champagne room on New Years!

New nipple rings. Wanna see?

Related, my stepmom is a whore and she totally deserved getting her ass beat.

I guess I could have other hobbies but I prefer threesomes over tennis!

I can drive a stick, shoot a gun, and brew my own beer ... you definitely want to be on MY team in the zombie apocalypse!

Sex Addicts Anonymous Meeting's - This Weekend - My house ... clothing optional ;-)

@elizadushku on #theleague is HILARIOUS!!! I want to take THAT Krav Maga class ;-)