My neighbor just confronted me about panties missing from the laundry room. I almost crapped her pants.

Remember when pushing a fully clothed person into the pool was funny? You know, before everyone was carrying a $700 phone.

I think the other drivers are amused by my kids' "cat in a microwave" reaction when I fart with the windows locked.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Wife said, "It wouldn't kill you to do a load when then hamper is full." So I bought a bigger hamper. Just in case she was wrong.

Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT'N ME?

In the interests of transparency, congressmen should wear the logos of their corporate sponsors on their suits, like they do in NASCAR.

Somewhere, Prince Harry is stuffing money with his grandmother's picture on it into a strippers g-string.

Hey! Gentle. Those are anal beads. You're not starting a lawnmower.

Just a thought, but you ever think maybe it's the trailer parks that are causing the tornados?

I'm not allowed in church. Something about a fire hazard.

"SHARK!" - Best way to clear a beach

"SHART!" - Best way to clear a pool

I can't find my glasses, so I'm having my wife describe the porn while I jerk off.

Is the first step in the Hypochondriacs Anonymous program admitting you don't have a problem?

Mom knows her kids' names, birthdays, secret fears. favorite color, friends and teachers' names.

Dad is vaguely aware of some short people.

Canada geese mate for life, which explains why they fly into jet engines with regularity, apparently.

If you bounce a check to an exorcist, do you get repossessed?

If you'd like to meet me, I'll be signing books at the Union Square Barnes & Noble from 4pm until I'm escorted out by security.

LOST: One set of nuts. Wife says they are in her purse. I'm holding it, but I don't see them in here.

I've been interrogating my dog for 2 hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.