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My neighbor just confronted me about panties missing from the laundry room. I almost crapped her pants.
Remember when pushing a fully clothed person into the pool was funny? You know, before everyone was carrying a $700 phone.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Somewhere, Prince Harry is stuffing money with his grandmother's picture on it into a strippers g-string.
Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT'N ME?
In the interests of transparency, congressmen should wear the logos of their corporate sponsors on their suits, like they do in NASCAR.
The key to not crying when cutting up onions is to avoid forming an emotional bond in the first place.
I think the other drivers are amused by my kids' "cat in a microwave" reaction when I fart with the windows locked.
Canada geese mate for life, which explains why they fly into jet engines with regularity, apparently.
Hey! Gentle. Those are anal beads. You're not starting a lawnmower.
I've been interrogating my dog for 2 hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.
Remember, if you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Stubbed my toe on the coffee table and I may have just composed Grammy winning rap song.
Is the first step in the Hypochondriacs Anonymous program admitting you don't have a problem?
Alcohol will never solve my problems. But, then neither will milk. So, alcohol it is!
Wife said, "It wouldn't kill you to do a load when then hamper is full." So I bought a bigger hamper. Just in case she was wrong.
The only time kids think before they speak is when they are about to tell you a lie.
If you bounce a check to an exorcist, do you get repossessed?
If the movie "Taken" has taught us anything, it's that the leading cause of death for Albanian men aged 18-39 is Liam Neeson.
Born nude and unable to provide for himself, Bill eventually overcame these handicaps enough to help two others with the same predicament.
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