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When someone post about their missing pet on Facebook, reply with a picture of random roadkill and say, "found him!"
Thanks to the NFL wearing pink during October, I am now aware of women with lumpy breasts.
I like to break the ice when the health inspector drops in by asking if the 5 second rule is a real thing.
As close as I get to sexting is playing dirty words in Words With Friends matches against women.
Even the most annoying person has a mute button. It’s located in the middle of their face. You just have to punch it hard enough.
“What’s up? <pause> Not your eyes apparently.” - Busty woman to me, just now.
-2 temp on the field. I'm surprised these guys don't cuddle for a bit after the tackle.
If you think buying a Bugatti is a good way to piss away a million dollar, try buying a restaurant.
I always listen to ass dialed voicemails to the end, just to see if they rip one.
“Don’t drink alcohol to excess when taking Cialis.”
What a cruel joke when drinking her under the table is my only chance to get laid.
5mg Cialis for daily use needs to come with 5 days of placebo each month like birth control pills, so you can sync up with your wife.
At some as they age, every women will consider being called a whore a compliment.
The Cowboys couldn't stop a faucet from running.
Set up my holiday decorations yesterday. Lit a menorah in the window. We're not Jewish, but be damned if I'm stringing lights.
You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.
But, you can't pick your friends nose.
I announced to the staff that we will begin drug testing.
<wide eyes of panic>
To find out who’s not sharing.
Shitty Shitty Bang Bang would be a great title for a scat porn video.
Born nude and unable to provide for himself, Bill eventually overcame these handicaps enough to help two others with the same predicament.
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