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I think the other drivers are amused by my kids' "cat in a microwave" reaction when I fart with the windows locked.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When a young woman addresses you as "Sir" that's code for "your opportunity to touch this has expired. "
I met my wife in a singles bar. That's what they call it when they have a wad of singles tucked under a garter, right?
Remember, if you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.
My neighbor just confronted me about panties missing from the laundry room. I almost crapped her pants.
Wife said, "It wouldn't kill you to do a load when then hamper is full." So I bought a bigger hamper. Just in case she was wrong.
If you scream in a library people just look at you funny. But, scream on an airplane and they'll all join in. Funny, huh?
It's only okay to pee in the shower if you are actually taking a shower, apparently.
My kid had a horrible cough. Didn't have cough syrup, so I gave him ex-lax. Now he's afraid to cough.
I've been interrogating my dog for 2 hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
My objective playing golf is to spend less on balls than I do on greens fees.
I hate tourists as much as the next New Yorker, but I think we should stop short of killing them.
I have pink eye. It used to be brown, but I bleached it.
Like a bit of encouragement in the bedroom? Play your favorite band's live album. You'll get a round of applause every few minutes.
The magazine article said women love it when you surprise them with domination sex. Apparently not on an Olive Garden table though.
"Fortes fortuna adiuvat" or, "fortune favors the brave," was the Roman equivalent of, "hold my beer and watch this."
I have pictures of my kids in my wallet where my money used to be.
Anybody else hate mall cops on segway's enough to help me string some piano wire up about 7' off the ground between cellphone case kiosks?
Born nude and unable to provide for himself, Bill eventually overcame these handicaps enough to help two others with the same predicament.