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  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I think the other drivers are amused by my kids' "cat in a microwave" reaction when I fart with the windows locked.

    • 372
    • FAVS
    TheDreschenatorghostofdreamsCjF_NCSushiThePenguinGarreTheFerretchopper4jkLaBelleMaeCelebrityChez
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    WeirdWonderWebCarmel_ColemanFlippingtables____VonBrutal________meaculpau27NuhaTamimiiNotKarmaStorminika
    Carmel_ColemanPlatinumShower____IamBillyBatts____
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    discoken__anjadrischPspenny36talkinboozeballslyoung5TrueTorontoGirlXalqeebluzygrl
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Pspenny36
    Pspenny36
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    When a young woman addresses you as "Sir" that's code for "your opportunity to touch this has expired. "

    • 63
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioClosestThingMmeLaCroozKayArePeaherodfelHislilKitten1osigatCroweJam
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    JamesZaavyherodfelTankbreadupwithgravityHislilKitten1osigatyoCaitiejayne_tyrrell
    RobotSkeleton69
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I met my wife in a singles bar. That's what they call it when they have a wad of singles tucked under a garter, right?

    • 36
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingAnitaAlibithejonjohncoyotedevilduderadlyAineAnisaPanicTimertheBlatherskite__
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    BiancaFaceAnitaAlibiosigatredpawn3voiredire77
    osigat
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    Remember, if you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.

    • 92
    • FAVS
    VerifiedDrunkSilentSkylerleifromloihi__MacKoolioClosestThingFRANKSTALICIOUSNotKarmaCroweJam
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    MacKooliolisa298TheImmortalJashkerrialisonmatt_morefieldjjssmmiiitthhRee_Sub__heymannicesh0t
    WarrenHolstein
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    My neighbor just confronted me about panties missing from the laundry room. I almost crapped her pants.

    • 614
    • FAVS
    ndresfmBeware83_dirtyCDNbitchgneiccoBDGarpLavenderpants_jennjenn4boding
    • 252
    • RETWEETS
    helloimvikingoGarreTheFerretshimmfesselMattFiske31__LorenzoZaniratocdnshrekunderyourbed666Vodka_Tits
    Carmel_ColemanGetbentLAExxtraMedium
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    Wife said, "It wouldn't kill you to do a load when then hamper is full." So I bought a bigger hamper. Just in case she was wrong.

    • 270
    • FAVS
    gneiccoPippersheenJuan_IncognitoyazeuaxGaben8tr__________FRANKSTALICIOUSFrozen_Brogurtobi_ian_kenobi
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    StephenBCramermeaculpau27trixiebones72mochanyaSacamanoBFavstar250pizzajaynowMontagueBrench
    pizzajaynow
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    If you scream in a library people just look at you funny. But, scream on an airplane and they'll all join in. Funny, huh?

    • 58
    • FAVS
    redpawn3byronblurbMrFornicatorMcMullenCPAWarrenHolsteinNotKarmaCroweJaminlovewith_life
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    WayneGreenstoneFavstar500FavsHulaBabeeStephenBCramerjenfyijust_my_handkitcherjohnNzgrim
    MouthyMess________
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    It's only okay to pee in the shower if you are actually taking a shower, apparently.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    byronblurbmarebytesMrFornicatorninja_nickleNotKarmallvvzzCpez38ClosestThing
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    voiredire77ClosestThingNorthside_Mike_RichardParry_
    _RichardParry_
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    My kid had a horrible cough. Didn't have cough syrup, so I gave him ex-lax. Now he's afraid to cough.

    • 47
    • FAVS
    HeyJennyLeoneNotKarmaMmeLaCroozClosestThingRossRantsMouthyMess________allspicebaby_RichardParry_
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    keepitmoistvoiredire77_windrider_RichardParry_isuisorisuaintToniRaviollibtboothLadyDangerfield__
    osigat
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I've been interrogating my dog for 2 hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    ArroiaGarreTheFerretMrFornicatorFredPollackNotKarmaefilerianoillibMitch_YNWAQueenvelly
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    fredmanglis_wangwewynnderfulSnowMan_8_Losing_MomentumATL_JackPenpalShankfavstar1000favs
    slyoung5failing_at_life
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

    • 96
    • FAVS
    Carmel_ColemanpreawsaurusAnais_Lea90______surf2nite17KatherineTheMadnycedazeWildeThingyPleasantSurpriz
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    surf2nite17nycedazeWildeThingyRGronsethFeelMyGoodsimnotanybody______TheGrimKingArroia
    osigat
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    My objective playing golf is to spend less on balls than I do on greens fees.

    • 43
    • FAVS
    TrainedHedonistNotThatKevinSuMacDanClosestThingWatch7owerJonJon_BrownDoItWithWoodSaraESpivey
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    AnitaAlibiosigattamytoo2seanvandaleyes____
    tamytoo2
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I hate tourists as much as the next New Yorker, but I think we should stop short of killing them.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingArroiaCroweJamzgbetty_NickburtLosephineosigatTabithaBrooklyn
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    GetbentLA
    GetbentLA
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I have pink eye. It used to be brown, but I bleached it.

    • 45
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingDothTheDothCrowetoonsGermsinlawDickScurvyAndLive2Loveactiveguy2________discoken__
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    discoken__NadjaJovovichChristal_LMsGreenGoddessLady_Blackbird1osigatglittergirlD431man3ladies
    Stexcy
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    Like a bit of encouragement in the bedroom? Play your favorite band's live album. You'll get a round of applause every few minutes.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingJiminyKicksItEagle_VisionshanetheveinLipglosslesbojoshingsternCertifiablySane1kueldad
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Lipglosslesboonerupeenote____CertifiablySanerybread913BellaFFontainSaraESpiveyChiira
    CertifiablySane
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    The magazine article said women love it when you surprise them with domination sex. Apparently not on an Olive Garden table though.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    VonPicklesjoshingsternWarrenHolsteinLilbyrdysamyspaz__________baby_youthebestnaughtywriter2MJLanceErotica
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    MJLanceEroticaSaraESpiveyErock113BCakaTheManpeteec
    peteec
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    "Fortes fortuna adiuvat" or, "fortune favors the brave," was the Roman equivalent of, "hold my beer and watch this."

    • 40
    • FAVS
    giraffeinatankClosestThing_NickburtezeddalyOW_Gam________snickuousLosephineslyoung5
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    WAM1010OW_Gam________DavhopkinsNathanBugg1LacticStaticGayDeceiverKatieMcBurchikaZeHarpreet
    tamytoo2
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    I have pictures of my kids in my wallet where my money used to be.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingAmyVansantDaniel_Watkins_SuMacDanEagle_VisionCelebrityChezFallun_Angel__carpeJoseph
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    tt111tvonboskiEagle_VisionFavstar500Favsannieweber33susanjt4refinisher11______osigat
    osigat
  • boobill
      Bill @boobill

    Anybody else hate mall cops on segway's enough to help me string some piano wire up about 7' off the ground between cellphone case kiosks?

    • 31
    • FAVS
    ClosestThingsnickuousSuMacDanMouthyMess________Tweetdeano________carpeJosephosigat_Nickburt
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Judymasq
    Tweetdeano________
@boobill

@boobill

Born nude and unable to provide for himself, Bill eventually overcame these handicaps enough to help two others with the same predicament.

Tweets from @boobill most recently awarded Tweet of the Day by Pro Members.