"That Starbucks girl really likes me. She knows my name & my drink & she always laughs at my jokes... She must want me!" -Men, all of them

People who use a bluetooth should be required to make the phone shape with their hand & talk into that. To clear up the confusion.

The last time I tried to do a British accent it came out like JFK. I'm available for birthdays & mitzvahs.

Think it's probably safe to go ahead & have my tombstone carved now. "She lived for cheese. She died for cheese."

Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering.... Would I have discovered how to type "boobies" on a calculator if no one had showed me?

These damn crows are seriously making too much noise and oh, look, I just turned into an 80 year old man.

My dog just sneezed in my face so I sneezed back in hers. Then she sneezed on me 3 more times & I remembered she eats poop. Well played.

This isn't stalking, I'm simply being thorough.

I'd never tell my family that I'm on twitter. They probably just think I have a secret boyfriend that I text a lot. Well, ha! Jokes on them!

When I see a hot guy in traffic I never know quite how to convey that I think we should have a spring wedding.

If I was a case on House, it'd probably turn out that wearing a hair tie on my wrist every day of my life had slowly made my heart explode.

Filling out w-2's on a typewriter. Just another Tuesday here in 1945.

Waiting for the day I humiliate myself by mixing up the words "gazpacho" and "Gestapo." #ColdBowlOfNazis

It's 3pm. I guess I *probably* won't be getting married today.

I'm old enough that "resting my eyes" has become an actual thing.

I just yelled at my dog, then apologized & gave him a gentle talk about personal space.

Last night I spent two hours trying to remember Tom Sizemore's name so, no, I don't have an opinion on the financial crisis.

Don't expect me to hear anything you say after the word "teat" because now I'm thinking about cow boobies.

Beginning & ending a meal with Doritos. I believe that's how they do it in France.

My step mom told my dad he needs to work on breathing more slowly while he sleeps. She's gonna murder him, isn't she?