I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you.

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

Is there a way I could just trade my heart for another liver so I can drink more and feel less?

When you die in Canada...Do you die in real life?

Oh, you hate your job? That's cool. Y'know they have a support group for that called "everyone" and we meet at the bar.

If someone offers you drugs don't say no. Say thank you because drugs are expensive.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

A drug test today? What kind of drugs are we testing?

My phone is so big I can no longer fit it in my bra. I guess I'm going to have to start putting it up my vagina.

"Your essay can be 5 to 10 paragraphs long." 5 paragraphs it is.

How many times do I have to spank you before you take the hint and get into bed with me?

I will hug you until it becomes slightly inappropriate.

Drinking milk from the jug and eating tops off of cupcakes is how I start most non productive days.

I haven't put on pants all day and I'm not starting now for anything.

I like that sound you make when you shut the fuck up.

I lightly tapped your butt because I didn't want to hurt you, but I still wanted to touch you inappropriately.

Pro tip: When she sees your dick for the first time look her dead in the eye and say “it glows blue when orcs are close”

I like to get fucked up everyday in March, because I can never remember what day St. Pattys Day is.

It's really cool to see you texting while driving with a baby on board sign in your window.

Wearing a see thru shirt & zebra bra, in line buying 6 bottles of wine pastor walks up & asks why he hasn't seen me lately...