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1 retweet is all it takes to get my beautiful face on your timeline
I call your mom a 'crazy cat lady' because she throws her pussy at everyone
TV show idea: a mulleted fellow gives Alec Baldwin an ass-whoopin
I'm going to keep calling that home-wrecking bastard, Jake at State Farm, until he's fired.
Relationship Status: she keeps politely distancing herself from me by moving away
I'm sorry that you're in a dark place in your life right now, Natalie Portman but you have to stop calling me.
Girl are you a facebook pic? because all of my friends tagged you
Does it look bigger, bro? I painted it black.
That's it. I have had it with me!
If I win the $400 million Powerball tonight, it will be even more amazing since I didn't get a ticket!
*Gets 250 fave notification*
*Notices the typo*
I think the real issue is that your boyfriend doesn't even know who Chandler Bing is.
*Rocks up Sour Patch kids*
Got any extra room in those Depends?
Those are some lucky support hose!
No…no…no…leave those dentures in the glass!
-Me cougar hunting
If you were a guy and had a sex-change, you better be telling people that your new pussy tastes like boneless chicken.
Order her the escargot. If she'll put snails in her mouth, she'll put anything in her mouth.
This organic granola smells of patchouli and onions.
I wouldn't have even known that Simon Cowell had a baby if you hadn't RT'd that pic of him into my TL right before I blocked you!