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Why can't a baker be a teacher?
Because he kneads dough
*puts Twitter away*
Ok. Time me, guys.
Good news is: I can keep up with everyone I follow.
Bad news: I keep up with everyone I follow.
I keep turning all my ex girlfriends to sapiosexuals.
I could probably cut the # of people I follow down to 75 but I don't want to seem like a jerk.
One time, Carnie Wilson tweeted that I was 'genius' so I understand about unwanted attention here
I have horrible news. Someone in my Twitter clique was retweeted by Howie Mandel and now she's out.
Howie Mandel re-tweeted one of my tweets to him...
I'll never wash that tweet again!
Unless you're Toto and are blessing the rains in Africa, you have no need to go there for the next year or two.
I was dreamin’ when I wrote this so forgive me if your dad is in it and he’s feeding me marshmallows sexually.
I'm so irrelevant, no one corrects my tweets.
I, have no idea, where, commas go,
I will explain to you, your own tweet.
Never fall in love on Twitter. Unless you want her knowing your deep, dark goat secrets.
*takes large pizza as airplane carry-on*
You play that like a haunting of something I'm not allowed to remember