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I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
When you die in Canada...Do you die in real life?
If someone offers you drugs don't say no. Say thank you because drugs are expensive.
I will hug you until it becomes slightly inappropriate.
Do transformers get car or life insurance?
Pro tip: When she sees your dick for the first time look her dead in the eye and say “it glows blue when orcs are close”
A drug test today? What kind of drugs are we testing?
My phone is so big I can no longer fit it in my bra. I guess I'm going to have to start putting it up my vagina.
I like that sound you make when you shut the fuck up.
"Your essay can be 5 to 10 paragraphs long." 5 paragraphs it is.
Relationship status: Asking the pizza delivery boy to open my jars for me
*ruins your life but in a cute way*
*fakes sleep mid conversation*
It's really cool to see you texting while driving with a baby on board sign in your window.
Just thought of the perfect comeback for that guy in 4th grade.
Chip, if you see this, your mom is a whore.
"Aren't you a little old to be jumping around in this bouncy castle?" - Me to the 8 year old taking up my jumping space
I lightly tapped your butt because I didn't want to hurt you, but I still wanted to touch you inappropriately.
Pros to being an adult: Cereal for any meal, whenever you want.
Cons: Everything else.