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I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
Is there a way I could just trade my heart for another liver so I can drink more and feel less?
When you die in Canada...Do you die in real life?
If someone offers you drugs don't say no. Say thank you because drugs are expensive.
Oh, you hate your job? That's cool. Y'know they have a support group for that called "everyone" and we meet at the bar.
I will hug you until it becomes slightly inappropriate.
Pro tip: When she sees your dick for the first time look her dead in the eye and say “it glows blue when orcs are close”
A drug test today? What kind of drugs are we testing?
My phone is so big I can no longer fit it in my bra. I guess I'm going to have to start putting it up my vagina.
It's an emergency I need you guys to come pick me up. I can't connect to the wifi here & I'm scared.
I like that sound you make when you shut the fuck up.
I'm sorry mom, I don't know why it feels so good to be a gangster.
"A shot of Vodka, please"
"Ma'am you're in a McDonalds"
"Oh okay I'll take a McVodka. & Supersize it"
"You need to leave"
Liquor store guy: "Second time here tonight...?"
It's painful when the ones closest to your heart judge you.
Swallow because there's starving kids in Africa
Studies have shown that studies have shown
Relationship status: Asking the pizza delivery boy to open my jars for me
"Your essay can be 5 to 10 paragraphs long." 5 paragraphs it is.