He might aim to please but unfortunately he's not that good a shot

I could be a careers counsellor. Bad handwriting? You're ideally suited to medicine. Next!

As a kid I was forced me to clean my room every month & only allowed me chips once a week. It was a conglomeration of deprivation

Always thought marriage would be more 'Get the sex toys off the table', not 'What's this paint roller doing in the freezer?'

I hope he caught that eye-roll because I put a LOT of effort into it & now my retina stings

But really; how's a kid supposed to learn if you don't throw him at an electric fence every now and then?

Chickens never learn

So, yes, ok, fine. I admit I looked up cinnamon oyster tins on Trademe but NO I DIDN'T SAVE THE SEARCH

If it covers your nipples, the waistband's TOO HIGH

Husband couldn't handle the mouse in the sink. I called him a pussy, but honestly I think a cat would have done a better job

I never dated criminals because their teeth are always so dirty

There's also a photo of a cake fashioned in the shape of a goat's udder, in case you need any more encouragement http://t.co/YAySNFHV

Talking to some people requires too much gesticulative overhead

Some day I aspire to apply scissors without my tongue poking out. Hey, we all have our hopes & dreams

At this stage of #pregnancy there's better chance of me understanding the budget deficit than backing a trailer - as demonstrated

Me: Honey, can you get the milk out of the fr- fr- what the FUCK is the thing called again? #pregnancy

I'm sure deep down I'm organised & efficient, underneath the layer of chaos

TV programs make me regret not getting knocked up at the age of 15

The catchphrase of the moment - 'Think of your unborn child' - is getting plenty of use with many surprising applications

The problem is, racism is just so funny. No, sorry; I meant clowns