I tried on these yoga pants everyone is raving about, my ass looked the same but my balls looked GLORIOUS

Thanks Autocorrect, I didn't really wanna fuck her braids out

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.

Be optimistic when we have sex. Try to think of your vagina as half-full.

You favorited one of my tweets....so you're tellin' me there's a chance....

I'm so white, I pronounce it "hwite"

Can I get an estimate on how much more wooing you're gonna need?

I'm assuming we're all middle children here.

Twitter is the secret that I keep in my pants all day, just waiting to whip it out in the bathroom and play with it.

Look, I'm not gonna sugar coat it, but I'll probably dip it in frosting for you.

Dude at the gym told me he was jealous of my veins. I said, "thanks, but can I pee without an audience?"

Douche at the gym this morning did like 15 sets of curls just to stand next to this hot chick. Fuck, my arms are sore.

I treat my body like a temple. A dirty, filthy, sexy temple.

Look guys, my parents are still married, I'm not sure what I'm doing here

My follower list is like a who's who of chicks that I have zero chance with.

I may think of someone else while we have sex, but eventually I'll think of you when I'm having sex with someone else.

I was in a garage band in high school, so you can drop the panties right here....

My Ninja Turtles used to get so much Barbie ass.

Just had lunch with a one-upper. I played along and, by the end, he was on an astronaut waiting list.

Mix blue and green so I know it's teal.