My beard has gone from "hey nice beard" to "is everything ok at home?"

If you've ever asked yourself, "what type of person would do something like that?" It's me. I would do it. I'm that type of person.

When I get unfollowed I think at least someone was reading my tweets.

How do people who aren't married ever know if they did anything wrong?

My drink left a nasty stain on our coffee table so I set my daughter's sippy cup over it to frame her. Sorry kid, it's better this way.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Your bio has like 16 hashtags in it. Good luck with everything.

My wife asked me if she looked old and I hesitated. I HESITATED! Tell the world my story.

Me: "How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?" Sales person: "You mean the shower stall?"

How healthy am I? Picture a bacon double cheeseburger with a smoker's cough, but worse.

Usually I'll whisper, "oh fuck yeah" as I insert the gas nozzle into my gas tank while holding eye contact with the person across from me.

My kid is a menace. Once she learns to walk there will be no stopping her. The weights l tied to her have only made her stronger. I'm scared

When you see a fatty next to you at a red light scarfing down McDonald's in their car, don't stare at him. I hate being stared at.

My neighbor mowed my lawn. Does that mean he's expecting anal? Is that a sign for anal? I'll just ask him so it doesn't get weird.

My home improvement show is 30 minutes of me looking for tools, swearing, and forcing things until they break, then cussing out my family.

I always feel like I'm just one purchase away from being happy. Well played America, well played.

I just did a bicep curl and ate a baby carrot. Guess now I wait.

My kid has bitten the ends off a few of her crayons. That's why I don't let her use my 64 crayon set. I mean, I can't have that rookie shit.

Man, these circuit breakers be trippin.

According to my doctor, it's not a medical condition, it's just gross.