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When women hear "empty nest" think re-decorate! and guest room! Men think sex on the kitchen table! and any time I want it! True story.
I don't like to brag but this whole menopausal, mood swinging, bat shit thing? Nailed it.
Heaven is adding up ur calories for the day & realizing u have 300 left...#iwantcandy
cleaning bathroom for me: tub, toilet, sink, & floor scrubbed & bleached, clean towels.
cleaning bathroom for spawn: toilet flushed. maybe.
Day 2 of kitchen renovation. No running water, no electricity, lotta *helpers*. Shoulda hid the beer 2 days ago.
As I dumped the macaroni-meat surprise into a greased casserole dish, it occured to me, this is it, the death of my celebrity chef dreams.
I'm a grandma now......let the payback begin.
2 weeks to lose the rest of this weight. Boy those last 50 lbs are the hardest aren't they?!
Can't decide which makes me look older, the *best grandma!* sweatshirt, or the saggy boobs & neck waddle?
The internet says that red wine & chocolate cause hot flashes so I wisely opened the windows BEFORE I chugged the bottle of chocolate wine.
The amount of dust on the furniture is directly proportional to the importance of the unexpected guest. Bonus pts for in-laws.
The day you realize your kid is an idiot...who am I kidding...like it was ever a question.
"Ok everyone, let's go out there and pretend we're all normal today!"
~Me to my spawn...everyday.
Saw a baby t-shirt that said "made with love" and thought if we have to disclose, mine would've all said "made with tequila".
Just realized all of my addictions are edible.
Of the few things I excel at, losing my car in the mall parking lot tops the list. Pretty sure I can lose that sucker in my own driveway.
Playing favorites with the spawn again. Having them dazzle me with bullshit and kiss ass prepares them for a life as working adults.
I'm a self employed,suburban housewife,soccer mom. The most dangerous thing I do is hit the grocery store during the 5pm rush.#inspirational
I won $3 in the lottery!!! #ijustneedamillionmorewins
Married 32 years. 5 spawn of varying stages. I don't tweet much. I'm old, I'm crabby. Offend me? Challenge accepted.
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