When your glass is half full, sometimes it's just good to add Vodka and stir.

To all you guys who got a boner, while your wife was in the middle of giving birth, the term #hardcore applies to you.

Any word on Snooki? Just kidding. Who gives a shit.

Told wife I'm reorganizing my porn so we can have more 'quality time.' Now I'm getting attitude.

I'm no fashionista, but if you're 70lbs overweight, leather pants might not be the weapon choice when having a delusion of being sexy.

Nothing tells the world you're a fuctard better than the smile on your face, while watching your child play in floodwater.

'The King' was found dead on the 'throne' 34 yrs ago today. No, not U LeBron. The other king. The one that could sing and make a free throw.

Bad day: Wife superglued penis to stomach while sleeping. Leaves empty bottle of nail polish remover on nite stand and a note "haha" again:(

If the cop that pulled me over doesn't like being called a douche bag then he should stop acting like one. He clearly doesn't get it.

@jaycrawfordespn The look on Skip's face when Doug said "Cut Tim Tebow" needs to make the SportCenter Top 10. #absolutelypriceless

Love going to NYC when the Mayor announces there are 'credible terrorist threats' because the incredible ones are so fucking annoying.

I love how the liberal media has made hurricane Irene out to be so east coast centric.

Depression sucks but the cure is worse than the disease. #serioustweet

Can we fucking nuke Florida?

Am I alone in fearing that if Rick Perry is elected President, he might nuke New Jersey?

If you fuckers don't wake up I'm gonna start tweeting 'Top Gun' quotes ...again. :(

Nothing says I have a 4th grade education quite like saying "looky here."

"Power is back and Foreigner is on Palladia! Life is good!" Who said Facebook wasn't around in the '80s? That movie was bullshit!

@jaycrawfordespn "I think others 'Tebowing' is just flat out disrespectful." –Skip. But then Skip thinks sacking him is disrespectful too!

Is it just me, or are we getting really good at liberating people who wanna fucking kill us.