I'm starting my own website. It's called Pindifference. It's a place where you can shut the fuck up about home decor already.

OMG, GMAIL, CALM DOWN. I get it. You've changed. I've changed, too.

Choke on a dick. RT @sarahpalinusa: Stopped by Chick-fil-A in The Woodlands to support a great business. http://t.co/KTods8hd

I never read my horoscope when I'm in love.

The most awkward video you'll ever watch (featuring a good friend and his worthy cause). http://t.co/EkiYfdVC

B4marriage4U #ChristianMingle

Went to the Museum of Sex. Didn't get laid. (Asked for a refund. Starting my own "museum" later.)

Srsly considered a loft bed for approx 7 mins before realizing my ceiling is only 8' tall and also I'm a goddamn adult, for crying out loud.

No voice, day #2: it's becoming increasingly difficult to holler at shorties.

@dannychapchap Not as funny as initial draft.

Me: I mean, have you ever measured it?
Him: Come on. Everyone has.
Me: EVERYONE'S MEASURED YOUR DICK?!

Every time Romney talks, my uterus just shuts that whole thing down.

Most of my fantasies are about compromising on breakfast.

Is there anything more romantic than trudging through your Groupons together the morning after?

It's totally random that you have no regard for the actual definition of the word "random."

Yes, Pandora, I'm still listening! When did you get so needy?!

Don't ever ask me if I want to get naked and Skype. THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES.

@louispeitzman I'm totally a "if Monica and Rachel's most annoying traits had a baby."

Procured a dude's number, despite my tendency to say things like "procured a dude's number."

When Ratatat shows up on my Glen Hansard station, I feel like Pandora is my best friend urging me to get out of bed and get some coffee.