has a hard time believing that if a group of wizards decided to form a professional sports team, it would be basketball.

: wait, the sun's back up already? it's every fucking day with this asshole.

just saw a mexican guy drinking an Arizona tea. awkward.

is winded from taking out the trash. nobody look at me.

Just had the kind of poop you make a playlist for

: if you had told me this healthcare reform would break up Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, you would have heard me sing a different tune

just thought about whales. this bath is ruined

: ah, if I were just ten years older, and she was willing to be in a relationship with a guy who can change his age

Just ate at Sonic for the last time.

: some days, all you can ask for is to come out with an even-numbered amount of socks.

has once again spent the night sewing his pants back together.

: when life gives you lemons... ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

: I wish my hat was here to see this

: Let's be clear. The fruit fly is not one of God's creatures.

: yo, Neil Armstrong, Imma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had one of the best moonwalks of ALL TIME

: Airman Garwood reports as ordered.

: this weather has gone from genital freezing, to genital pleasing

: the only player harder-hitting than Ndamukong Suh, and faster than Mike Wallace, @cleatusonfox BEST, ROBOT, EVER

: first the BP oil wells, Kanye's album, and now Wiki. The theme for 2010 is clearly leakage.

sometimes leaves the tin foil on in the microwave... just to feel something...