I'm under the assumption that "born again Christian" is code for "I used to be a slut".

Wouldn't it be much more fitting if we wore our wedding ring on our middle finger?

Friendship is 5% liking the same things. And 95% hating the same things.

The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

To get someone to stop calling, do not ignore the call. Just answer, hand it to a child, and tell them it's Santa.

Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

Don't need to walk a mile in your shoes to judge you if the shoes are Crocs.

How do I like my coffee? Alone. So get the fuck away from me.

It's not you. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

Is there really a "restless penis syndrome" or is my husband just fucking with me?

15yo son: "My iPhone's dead. You don't have a car charger. Now what am I gonna do?"

Me: "Stare out the window. Welcome to my childhood!"

They need to put Herman Cain next to Michelle Bachmann at the next debate. Dim the lights. Play some Barry White. See what happens.

I'm watching a fat couple share a Cinnabon. They look like a Venn diagram. 

I am not going to do anything reproductive today. 

I use twitter as a stepping stone to never making a comedy album. Or writing a book. Or being a productive member of society.

Southerners have fucked up sayings like "Tastes like the devil's tears" and "Rick Perry for President".

Do you ever look at someone and wonder how somebody as stupid as they are have actually lived for as long as they have?

If you had one week to live, how many people would you run over?

I'd like to live in a world where syrup is pure maple, bacon is extra crispy, and Coke is made with real sugar. Is that too much to ask?

They still give you beads at the Thanksgiving parade when you flash your boobs, right?