I don't think it's a coincidence that FMLA starts with FML.

Opened a folder named "Inspiration"'on the shared drive at work. It was empty. #iknowright?

Ugh. Whoever put a workday after a drinking holiday is a real dick.

People who like Mumford & Sons were probably really into Flogging Molly back in the day. #doucherock

The best way to handle a #PussyRiot is Pussy Control.

So Brandie, why were you late for work today? Well, I was pretty busy watching two ducks walk around on my lawn. #dawdler

You keep fucking up my life.

Celebrate Yuengling Day at @bobsbarcolumbus with @drinkupcbus! http://t.co/AYjRSr8N

I am a really lucky girl.

Just saw one of those little stick people family stickers with a mom, awkward blank space, then kids. #divorcee @writethewords

I must be crotchety bc I'm irritated by ppl saying "Merry Christmas or whatever you celebrate" today. My holiday was over weeks ago aholes

Call Me Al > Call Me Maybe

@twixlen they might as well just say "forecast for Thursday: fuck you"

To the people loudly talking about their anal sex experiences next to me at the bar: I salute you.

OH: Harry Potter is so far fetched. I mean, how could a ginger kid have 2 friends?

"It's like a Mexican beef donut!" - @bigbryc, upon trying his first chimichanga

Most disturbing air quotes of all time. http://twitpic.com/3yuauq

Pirate wedding on the Santa Maria. http://twitpic.com/1i21um

I forgot what it was like to have someone take care of me.

A mistyped number by a stranger in a desert gives you a beautiful photo and it's comforting.