God I cannot wait to miss the next episode of masterchef.

If im honest, iv literally never heard anyone say the words "I like Darren Simpson".

I'm sooooo sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak? yellow wood?

Facebook is so stoked its friday you could swear its never happened before.

Sooo we chop down trees to make paper to print signs on to protest chopping down trees? Fuuuuck.

3 reasons I stand up:

1) stretch

2) go somewhere

3) you are the real slim shady 

Its so cold, afrikaans boys are wearing 2 pairs of short pants today.

Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

Getting a fat girl into bed? Pffft peace of cake.

I was called a sexist today!!! LOLololololol. Dumb bitch can't even pronounce 'sexy'.

I was called a sexist today!!! LOLololololol. Stupid bitch can't even pronounce 'sexy'.

@francoislct haha I got an awkward "let me scan this box quickly and act like I didn't see what they are"... Ridiculous.

Yo Dischem, train your staff, when I buy a box of condoms, I expect a high 5.

Remind black people that the chiefs lost, they'll immediately start talking to you in CAPS LOCK.

Learning to "stop drop and roll" in school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

I'm going to buy Top Tv, and not subscribe to the porn channels. #ToughGuyThursday

Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold literally anything else that u cant pick up off the beach for free by the seashore

Remember when waking up early on Sundays involved cartoons and not untagging yourself in photos?

"Hello modelling agency?Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

You know marathon runners don't check their phones for those 3 hours! That's the impressive part.