Coldplay is great music for people interested in masturbating really slowly while they cry.

Size doesn't matter if she's unconscious.

I always pretend I'm Magneto when I walk through doors that open automatically.

My favorite hobby is drinking alcohol.

I'm just going to start using Twitter to talk about my feelings. First up, I feel like getting violently drunk.

I'm waiting for @kanyewest to interrupt the #Japan #earthquake coverage to let us all know that Chile's was the greatest of all time.

I don't always pee the bed but when I do I shit it as well.

MTV should change '16 and Pregnant' to 'I've Loved Dick Since I was 12'.

My house smells like a slice of pizza had unprotected sex with a can of Four Loko.

Oh, you're a vegan? Cool. Yeah, let's not hang out because I know what you're going to talk about all the time and fuck you.

Throwing up mid-blowjob is a nice way of saying you're enjoying it too.

Can you tell by my tweets that my father left my mom while she was pregnant with me?

Those #teamfollowback idiots are the Jehovah's Witnesses of Twitter.

Bacon tastes like shit. You're all faggots. I hope you get cancer. #twittermeltdown

I'd suck a dead guy's dick through the drive-thru window of an Arby's if someone would kindly retweet this for me.

http://t.co/du5JDiGu

Just selling a little cocaine on Instagram. No biggie. pic.twitter.com/Gm0ydQJn

Can one of you bros come at me, please?

People that manually retweet and add a "LOL" to your tweet are the Jehovahs Witnesses of Twitter.

Quick! Can you get a girl #pregnant if she's unconscious?