Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

If I'm ever on life support unplug me and then plug me back in again and see if that works.

There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

The words synonym and antonym are antonyms. Well played, antonym.

Facebook account for sale, friends included.

If I were any more single, I'd be a fraction.

Just swallowed a vitamin with vitamin water then ripped the roof off a car and ate a building.

I can admit when you're wrong.

Never underestimate a large group of morons.

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.

I've been having a bad day for 3 years.

People who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like.

When in doubt, do the opposite of whatever the girl with glitter on her face does.

I don't think I am what my parents had in mind.

I think women mark their territory with bobby pins.

MC Hammer will probably let you touch it now for a couple bucks.

Confidence and intelligence looks good on everyone. And it is priceless.

Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.

I swear some people were conceived through anal sex because there is no way being that much of an asshole is normal.