"I have gone into the big wetness and now smooth lions are eating me." -The man who discovered sharks

Maybe Garfield hates Mondays because Jon has to go to work and he misses him. Maybe it's sweet. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

"Is your refrigerator running wild and free, as we do?" -Teenage centaurs making a prank phone call

*an enormous elk crests the hill, bathed in golden sunlight* I heard you kids were thinking about doing drugs.

The symbol for "Not an organ donor" is a skeleton at a poker table raking in his winnings which are a stack of organs.

You roll down the windows and play Norah Jones at full volume. Within minutes, moms have begun to gather. Some dads. The sky darkens.

"We did it. We caught Moby Dick. And the best part is, we did it together." #WhatIThinkAretheLastLinesInBooksIHaveNotRead

If you step out of a time machine and see Dippin' Dots marketed as "ice cream of the past" YOU WENT TOO FAR!

I hope my name one day becomes slang for fucking so that teenagers will take pictures next to my tombstone.

If these walls could talk, they'd be like "What is outside like? Can you take me there? Am I dead?"

Obama reveals his other favorite characters on The Wire are Stinkum and Kenard, adding "I don't give a fuck about being president."

"Pumpkin flavored *gulp* everything, sir?" The Dunkin Donuts CEO leans back in his chair and exhales cigar smoke. "Everything."

"I am not the dreaded Minotaur! I am a prisoner in this labyrinth forced to wear the head of a bull! Please help!" #LiesToldByGirls

Usain BOLT, huh? Yeah, I could run like that too if my name was Branson Racewinner.

RT IF EVERY TIME THE SUBWAY VOICE SAYS "THIS IS.." YOU MENTALLY SING "THE STORY OF A GIRL WHO CRIED A RIVER AND DROWNED THE WHOLE WORLD"

RL STINE JUAT CALLED ME WEIRD GUYS. I JUST WON MY OWN PERSONAL SUPER BOWL.

Why does everybody get so upset when I sing the song of my heart? pic.twitter.com/mM2HpPGcsU

#ThatAwkwardMoment when you go to fire your gun, but you loaded it wrong and instead of bullets it fires Morrissey. pic.twitter.com/pHqcLwnv

"Yeah, I'd like a medium black iced coffee and the walls shall cry blood and the dogs shall bay and howl. Thanks!" http://t.co/mrGEAx2F

It would suck to die of old age during freshman orientation because your parents never told you you were a dog.