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Wanna feel old? Rugrats was 1142 years ago. You're reading this from a Memory Tube, 3 miles beneath the surface of our dead earth. Wake up.
Maybe Garfield hates Mondays because Jon has to go to work and he misses him. Maybe it's sweet. I don't know. I don't fucking know.
"Is your refrigerator running wild and free, as we do?" -Teenage centaurs making a prank phone call
"I have gone into the big wetness and now smooth lions are eating me." -The man who discovered sharks
You roll down the windows and play Norah Jones at full volume. Within minutes, moms have begun to gather. Some dads. The sky darkens.
*an enormous elk crests the hill, bathed in golden sunlight* I heard you kids were thinking about doing drugs.
The symbol for "Not an organ donor" is a skeleton at a poker table raking in his winnings which are a stack of organs.
"We did it. We caught Moby Dick. And the best part is, we did it together." #WhatIThinkAretheLastLinesInBooksIHaveNotRead
If you step out of a time machine and see Dippin' Dots marketed as "ice cream of the past" YOU WENT TOO FAR!
Obama reveals his other favorite characters on The Wire are Stinkum and Kenard, adding "I don't give a fuck about being president."
I hope my name one day becomes slang for fucking so that teenagers will take pictures next to my tombstone.
If these walls could talk, they'd be like "What is outside like? Can you take me there? Am I dead?"
Imagine a deer that's walking around on stilts. Are you doing it? Hoo boy! That guy is gonna fall right over!
"Pumpkin flavored *gulp* everything, sir?" The Dunkin Donuts CEO leans back in his chair and exhales cigar smoke. "Everything."
Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. Do it in silence as we lock eyes. I'll piss on yours too. Now we are married.
RT IF EVERY TIME THE SUBWAY VOICE SAYS "THIS IS.." YOU MENTALLY SING "THE STORY OF A GIRL WHO CRIED A RIVER AND DROWNED THE WHOLE WORLD"
Usain BOLT, huh? Yeah, I could run like that too if my name was Branson Racewinner.
"Hey you've got some updog on you."
"Nobody really knows. We think it comes out of dogs."