After growing up with two older brothers, all I want in a man is someone who won't hold me down and fart on my face.

My whole life is like that moment you find out you've been walking around with toilet paper stuck to your shoe, on repeat.

Don't forget you can mix offensive words into your coughs!

Show me on the doll where he touched you, people who don't eat pizza with their hands.

Just lit candles, poured a glass of wine and put some Prince on for my self breast exam.

Dropped three pennies on the floor this morning and said quietly to myself, "making it rain." This is sad.

One time I drew a bird with four legs and it took me a few hours to realise what was wrong with it.

Saw two black men exchange nods and now I feel a part of something big for the first time in my life.

I call booze "nap juice".

I thought somebody loved me but it was just an airport security check.

I don't think I'll ever stop being one of those people who try and pronounce what their ordering rather than just pointing to the menu.

Took my bra off to eat dinner so you know shit's just got serious.

"Look how pretty I am today! Look at my coffee! Look at this sunset!" - Instagram.

When I see my Angry Birds doing back flips in the line before the catapult, I totally get parents' unconditional love.

I give up. If you need me I'll be one of those girls wearing slippers and saying "aww" at everything.

I just walked past a black family in a car and I heard their doors lock. :(

Looked sarcastically into lots of imaginary cameras today.

Just walked past a gross man in a Santa hat with "KISS ME" on it and I think I'm a lesbian now.

On a scale of 1 to TGI Friday's worker, how much do you hate yourself?

Travelling is just sitting down in different places so yeah sure sign me up.