Sleep is my drug. My bed is my dealer. The alarm clock on my phone is the police.

The only three things a guy should wanna change about his girl is her address, her last name, and her view on men.

How come it's an abortion if it's an unborn human but if it's a chicken it's an omelette?

Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe.

18 year old girls in high heels look like baby giraffes taking their first steps. Awww! They're so cute. I want one!!

I was going to make a gay joke, butt fuck it.

Why have abs when you can have kebabs?

Perhaps the most important life lesson I have learnt from playing Monopoly as a child; When you're in jail you don't need to pay rent.

If you're important to them, they will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses.

Remind me, why aren't you mine yet?

People bitch and moan about the price of petrol, but, you know, it's still cheaper than to buy by the litre than Coca Cola.

I don't think I'll ever get over how awesome reading magazines is on my iPad. How can you not love having a magical glowing sheet of paper?

Oh and you know when you walk into a room and forget why you went there? That'd be god playing Sims, he just canceled your action.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good....

The awkward moment when you've been drinking and you now somehow lack the ability to use a key.

Watching people use an iPhone 4 without a bumper or case makes me cringe a little inside.

So many reindeers out on the roads. Be careful people.

Stop trying to control everything and just let go.

First you get the followers. Then you get the influence. Then you get the retweets.

Using my credit card to cheer me up. I know I shouldn't but I really don't give a fuck anymore.