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Single women think that marriage will solve their problems.
Unlike 'I love you,' it's never too soon in a relationship to whisper 'fist me like a puppet.'
If I was a lawyer I would employ the use of air quotes frequently.
Nan used to give me a dollar every visit until that one day she forgot.
I haven't been back since.
I like going out to eat with my mom so I can show her how much time she wasted teaching me table manners.
Everything that has ever happened, has led up to you reading this right now.
And in the end, I’ts not the years in your life that count. I’ts the beers man! The beers! & the sex! the burgers, the vodka & the cupcakes.
I'm not cursing. I just have situational Tourette's...
If I had have read the book instead of watching this movie, I would never have watched this movie.
I'm not saying I'm drunk...
Like the fucking bartender...
Who cut me off.
I'm taking a special woman out tonight. I just have to have her back in her coffin and reburied before the caretaker wakes up.
I've kept a pet goldfish alive in my vaginal cavity for the past 2 days daydreaming about you.
The guy at Walgreens will know EXACTLY why I winked at him as soon as he starts developing that roll of film.
It sucks the romance out of the Valentine's dinner when she wants to stop at the supermarket on the way home to pick up a couple of things.
Wow. The Twitter parking lot must be filled with the high horses everyone rode in on tonight.
Humble pi is used to measure modest circles.
What do you call a fat kid on a bus?
I'm only retweeting that guy you hate because you retweeted that guy I hate.
Australian's could be a world dominating super race, you know, if we gave a fuck.
It confuses me when people say they're dog or cat people. They look so normal.
Proffessional life lover, home owner, alcoholic, foursquare addict and gamer. On the eternal search for a decent cellular connection. Opinions are my own.