"Show us your sources!" - bunch of drunk, rowdy academics at Mardi Gras

I hate when you're like, oh that tweet would've done better if I sent it at a different time or if I used all caps or if my father loved me.

"I'm RIGHT HERE." - the clitoris

In my Food Network show I get too drunk to hold a spoon, sit on the kitchen floor & try to stay conscious till my frozen pizza's done baking

Missed connection: Me: redhead with inviting smile. You: chocolate lab wanting to play but mean owner wouldnt let you. See you in my dreams.

Reading y'all's fave lists gives me new people to follow and tells me how desperate and horny you are by what shitty tweets you're starring.

"This seems to be taking longer than usual." - Google / really unhelpful talking vibrator

Only difference between Twitter & high school is in HS I was just being melodramatic but my Twitter crushes actually DON'T know I exist.

I don't think so, ugly girls driving jeeps.

I mean, yeah, this wine is god-awful, but it's not like, pour-it-out-and-go-to-bed-without-drinking-the-whole-bottle awful. I mean, come on.

This vertical portion of the frame onto which a door is secured is my jamb.

On the bright side it's much easier to decide what to wear in the morning when only two pairs of pants fit.

Why yes, I AM eating for two. *lovingly pats food baby*

"Which of you, if you had 100 followers & lost 1, wouldnt annoy the 99 left by bitching about the 1 you lost?" -Parable of the Lost Follower

Weird how people say "My hands are tied" like that's a bad thing.

Quantum Leap w/ hair dye. Dyeing my hair again & again, seeking my real color so I can stop. Each time hoping this dye will be the dye home.

I dated a guy for 3 years and we only ever did 2 positions but I got his mother's peanut butter chocolate chunk cookie recipe so, worth it.

lol if you blame your unhappiness on the universe continually sending bad shit your way instead of yourself repeatedly making poor choices

Just played "poon" in one Words with Friends game and "whitey" in another. COME AT ME BRO.

I'm a nurse. Please believe me that you're going to hyperventilate and pass out if you don't stop blowing sunshine up your own ass so hard.